Blessings

I'm taking my own advice today and counting my blessings. When our daughter can't sleep sometimes I tell her "count your blessings" instead of counting sheep. I do this a lot on a regular basis, but lately I've felt a crushing weight on me. The month of May was wonderful, but peppered with strange and upsetting potholes in the road of life.

A couple weeks ago I returned from a fantastic family trip to Disneyland. A trip there restores my inner child and sense of magic. So I return to work on a Tuesday and have some small talk with my boss who then says "I can't afford to keep you." That was quite a blow to the gut. Business has been dicey due to the economy and effects of the recent quake/tsunami in Japan on a pass-through customer of ours. There had been talk of reducing everyone's salaries a few months prior so I was prepared for that or offering to go part-time, but I wasn't prepared to be the one to be cut loose, not after 8 years of loyalty and experience. I wasn't prepared to know that I would be eventually handing all of my hard work over to a temp who is staying instead of me. Basically I've been experiencing the Kübler-Ross stages at the top and half of every hour, sometimes even within 10 minutes. It's like riding a roller coaster.

I am no stranger to being laid off. I was laid off in 2003 which allowed me to find this job at 35% of my old dotcom salary. It gave me flexibility and freedom to work and nurture our then 3-year old. Eventually, I worked from home which came at a time just as she was entering Kindergarten. Now that she is on the verge of entering middle school I find myself at another impasse. Oddly, I'm having a more concentrated reaction to this layoff than the one in 2003. I'm almost 40 and know that my next work effort needs to nourish my soul as well as our bank account. Call it an existential crisis or "midlife crisis" (ew, wait, let's not), but if I have to work I know it needs to be something I will truly enjoy and that will give back to the community somehow.

So, I find myself noodling, taking any and all suggestions and advice from wonderful friends on my future and trusting that everything happens for the greater good. Still, there are times when I feel as if I'm the lowest common denominator. My boss told me my work is great and that was not his reasoning and I said "I know my work is good", because I do. I'm a hard worker and have been for 8 years totally unsupervised. I'm sure a lot of people would take advantage of a home-gig, but I'm always accountable for myself.

As I noodle about the future, I remind myself to count my blessings. I reflect each day on the things that really matter in life. Here is a partial list:

• The nightly ritual my hubby and I have when we read in bed before falling asleep - foot, calf and back massage.
• My hubby's preternaturally soft feet.
• The way our daughter makes me feel as if I can do anything in the world, successfully.
  
• Snuggling with our daughter.
• How supportive my husband is during this tumultuous time. He is my rock, my True North and makes me feel safe.
  
• The way our dog Darwin rubs himself along the sides of our bed so it feels like a shark is circling us and I get all anxious and giddy thinking he may jump up for a smooch.
• The down-alternative mattress topper we bought a couple weeks ago that gives us a scooshy soft bed because our really nice pillow top mattress is 10 years old and hardened due to being encased in a hermetically sealed anti-dust mite casing. No more waking up with a sore back and hips!
  
• Good friends. The kind that make you laugh, and break bread with and the ones you think are distant, but really shine through with words of wisdom at just the right time.
• The way my hubby gets up in the morning and makes sure my extra blanket is pulled up over me so I don't get cold when he leaves the bed.
• The way Nature always presents me with beautiful glimpses of wonder to remind me I am small, but if I open my heart and mind I will see amazingly incredible things.
• Recently chaperoning a field trip and some school events where I was able to take photos and share with parents that couldn't be there.
  
• Making people laugh or smile.
• How ironically content and safe I feel when our daughter wraps her arms around me to give comfort.
  
• Rainbows. Yes, as a child of the 80's I still love rainbows. I saw one after work the day I found out I was being laid off. I was a Trader Joe's and just finished getting dinner fixings. I saw the rainbow and it made me smile and then I cried because Nature showed me something beautiful to remind me.